A Prescription for Love ~ Chapter Nine

This is different from the norm. In all of the stories that I’ve read or that I’ve seen, all of the characters are disgustingly perfect unless they are written with very clear flaws. This story is about love (um, duh! Look who’s writing it. I’m the queen of romance), and finding it in the least likely place with the least likely person.

Now, this story is based in a hospital. My medical training comes from…WebMD. I’m not a doctor, nor do I claim to be. I’m a music teacher who has a wild imagination and a penchant for all things Twilight (and with this story, added in a mix of ER! I loved Luca Kovac…) Which brings me to my disclaimer: None of this is mine. I’m not, nor ever will be, Stephenie Meyer. If was, I’d be rolling in the dough from her insane imagination that gave us Bella and Edward. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Nine

BPOV

I’m an idiot. A total idiot. Why would someone as perfect and gorgeous as Edward want me? Why? WHY? I ran to the bathroom and heaved up my breakfast as I sobbed. I pulled it together slightly and grabbed my coat. I couldn’t stay here. Carmen, the nurse manager, said that if I was still feeling off, I could go. We were well covered in the ER. I decided to take her up on that. I put on my coat and slipped my messenger bag over my shoulders. As I was grabbing my gloves, I felt something hard and metal.

Edward’s keys.

I closed my hands around them and walked to the circulation desk. “Ang, I’m not feeling well. Carmen said I could go if I felt shitty and well, I’m going to take her up on it,” I said shakily. “Can you give this to Dr. Cullen for me?”

“Sure, Bella,” Angela said, arching a brow. She held out her hand and I dropped the keys into her palm. 

“Are you going home?”

“Yeah. I need some more sleep,” I said as I tugged on my gloves and left the ER. But, I wasn’t going to go home. I needed to talk to someone. But who? Who could I talk to? The one person I wanted to talk to, hurt me in a way that I never imagined. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I blindly walked up to the el platform. I clambered onto the next train, unaware of its location. I just needed to get out of there.

I sat down and pulled out my cell phone. As I did so, I used a trick that a patient taught me to block a phone number without having to pay for it. I found Edward’s number, blocking it from my phone. I then turned off my phone, throwing it into my bag.

I rode on the train for an hour before deciding to go to Graceland Cemetery where my mother was buried. A half an hour later, I was walking through the cold air, trying to find my mom’s grave. It had been far too long since I last visited her gravesite. Probably more than three years. Definitely before Charlie’s injury. I can only imagine how bad it looked.

I stumbled and fell for another hour before I found my mom’s grave. It was nestled in the back behind a tree. I fell to my knees and cleaned off the granite to see her headstone. Renee Higginbotham Swan: Beloved wife and mother. 1956 – 1999. Next to her date of death was a picture of her, smiling at the camera. I removed my gloves and ran my finger across her face. “Momma,” I sniffled. “I miss you so much! My life is miserable. Charlie is a first class asshole who leeches off me and constant belittles me. It was bad before you died but it exploded after you passed. Then, it went nuclear after Charlie got injured, Momma.

“But, I moved out. I’m on my own. Well, with a roommate, but I’m not living with Charlie anymore. My roommate, Angela, is awesome. She’s my first real friend, Momma. She’s so sweet and kind. Then, there’s Edward,” I cried. My sobs heaved as I curled up on the ground, rocking back and forth. “I thought he was different. I thought he actually cared about me, but that was a lie. Today I found him hugging a cute little blonde, just like Jacob. Remember, Jacob? Yeah, he broke my heart too.

“Momma, I wish I could just go away. Go to sleep and never wake up. No one would miss me. I’m just a waste of space. If I died, I could at least be with you,” I sobbed. “You were the only one who truly loved me. Now, I have no one. No one loves me. No one cares about me.” My sobs filled the quiet cemetery until one of the groundskeepers informed me that the gate was closing in fifteen minutes. I nodded and stood up on shaky limbs. I left the cemetery, hailing a cab just outside of the gates. I gave the driver my address and collapsed in the backseat.

Soon, the cabbie pulled up to my apartment complex. I paid him and heaved my exhausted body up to my apartment. However, as the door was closing to the elevator, an arm stopped it. Slimy James slid inside and gave me a leering grin. I smiled tightly and moved closer to the exit, wanting to hightail it out of there once we were on our floor.

“So, Bella,” James hissed. “You enjoy living here with Angela?”

“It’s great,” I answered curtly.

“How well do you know that cute little brunette with the violet eyes?” James asked as he moved closer to me. I could smell the pungent scent of cigarettes and alcohol on his breath. “She’s a spunky one.”

“That she is but she’s unavailable,” I replied acidly. James tsked quietly and he tucked some errant hair behind my ear. “Don’t touch me, James.”

“Why not? You’re cute, too,” he said, smiling wickedly. “A little rounder than I like, but I bet you’re great in the sack.”

The door opened and I rushed out of there quickly, fumbling with my keys. I managed to open the door, ignoring the glare of James. Angela was standing just inside the door. She wrapped me in a hug, “What happened, honey?”

 I just got propositioned by the perv next door and had my heart trampled on by my boyfriend. “I 

trusted him and he broke my heart,” I sobbed, letting the dam break. I clung to my roommate as she rubbed my back.

“Did you talk to him?”

“No, but he looked so guilty when I went into his office, Angela,” I sniffled, wiping my face of my tears and snot.

“Bella, listen to him. Talk to him,” Angela cooed as she brushed my hair from my face. “Where were you?”

“My mom’s grave,” I sniffled. “I needed to talk to someone and well; the person that I usually turn to is the one that hurt me.”

“Bella?”

I looked up and saw a very disheveled Edward standing in our living room. My heart dropped to my feet. Then, my anger took over. “Get out,” I snarled. “You’re no better than Jacob, you asshole!”

“Bella, listen to him,” Angela snapped.

“Ang, it’s okay,” Edward said, his shoulders slumping. “Just make sure you read your journal, Bella. Please?” I looked at him coldly and stomped into Angela’s bathroom, slamming the door shut. Inside, I fell to the ground and bit back sobs. I could hear Angela and Edward speaking in the living room. It wasn’t until I heard the door close that Angela wrenched her bathroom door open.

“Isabella Marie Swan! I love you like a sister but you’re a fucking idiot,” Angela snapped. “Get up.” I heaved my tired body off the ground and Angela grabbed my arm, leading me into the living room. “Sit down and listen to what I have to say. That man spent the afternoon waiting for you here in this apartment. He was so worried, Bella. All he wanted to do was talk to you but you fucking shut him out. What the hell?! You can see it, as plain as day that man loves you more than his own life.”

“He doesn’t love me. Why would he?” I growled in return. “He’s got that gorgeous blonde to cuddle with at night.”

“If you actually gave Edward a chance to talk, you would have known that the blonde was his sister,” Angela said, crossing her arms over her chest. “She was having a panic attack when you walked in and Edward was trying to calm her down.” I blinked and looked at my fingers. “Bella, I know that you are not the most confident woman, but you have to get over this. If you don’t, you’re going to spend your entire life alone.”

“I wished for death today, Ang,” I whispered. “It’s not the first time.”

“You’re not going to hurt yourself are you? Do I need call a shrink and get you admitted to the hospital on a psych hold?” Angela asked, arching a brow. I shook my head and continued to stare at my hands. “Bella, what can we do to make you believe in yourself?”

“There’s nothing you can do,” I whimpered. “It’s something that I have to do on my own.”

“Bella, I know that you were teased and ridiculed by your dad and by the slut sisters, but you are so much more than them,” Angela whispered. “You’re an amazing nurse with a giving heart and loving soul. Why do the words of those people mean so much to you when the words that I say or that Edward says mean nothing?”

“Because for a majority of my life, all I heard was that I was worthless, stupid, fat and nothing,” I said, glaring at my friend. “When that’s all you hear, it’s what you believe. Fifteen years of ridicule and teasing will not change overnight with the words of a few friends and…and…Edward.”

“Your boyfriend,” Angela said. I looked away and frowned. Angela sighed and put something into my lap. 

“Edward asked me to have you read in your journal.” I looked down and saw one of the journals that he gave me for Christmas on my lap with his keys laying on top. “I’m going to shower and call Ben. Read the fucking journal, Bella. It’ll only reiterate what I told you, I’m certain.” Angela got up and left me in the living room.

Running my fingers over the soft leather of the journal, I opened it up to the page where Edward wrote inside. But I couldn’t read it. My eyes were filled with tears. My heart stammered against my chest and I hated the emptiness I felt. I slammed the journal shut and threw into my bag. I flew into my bedroom and clutched my whale, sobbing. I was sobbing for my own life. I was sobbing because I was a fucking moron. I was sobbing because I just knew that Edward hated me now. I truly was going to be alone.

James is interested…

Ew, no. He just wants a warm body to bone.

I picked up the keys from my nightstand, rubbing my thumb over the raised metal Space Needle. I went into the bathroom and washed my face. Once my face was cleaned of my tears, I put on my coat and slipped my messenger bag over my shoulders. I left Angela a note on the fridge before leaving the apartment. I skirted past James apartment, wrinkling my nose with distaste as I moved past it. The smell of pot and cigarettes filling the hallway.

I took the el to Edward’s brownstone and walked the short distance to his home. As I walked up the stairs to his house, I could hear some melancholy piano music being played. I furrowed my brows and wondered if it was a recording or Edward wallowing at the piano. Regardless, I hurt him and the choice of music indicated that.

I shoved the key he had given Angela into the lock and opened the door. It felt weird coming into the house without calling or even having an invitation. Well, I guess my invitation is the damn key, but still. We’re fighting. Edward probably hates me. I’ll just give him back his key and leave. I shouldn’t be here. A few traitorous tears slipped from my eyes and I closed the door. The music faltered and shifted to something jazzier, but still had a melancholy tone to it. I’m sorry, Edward. I suck. I took a few deep breaths and walked toward the music.

In the piano room, Edward was seated at the sleek baby grand piano. His shoulders were rounded and hunched. The music was hauntingly beautiful but I could feel his pain. I listened for a few more minutes before I decided to speak. “That’s beautiful,” I whispered.

“Thank you,” he responded woodenly, not turning around. He kept playing until he reached a good stopping point. He then turned around and stared at me. Tears were falling down my cheeks in rivers as I nervously twisted my hands by my waist. “I take it you read my journal entry?”

Shit. No. “I was a bitch, Edward.” I clamped my eyes shut, trying to stop my tears from falling. I took a breath, feeling my body quake. “I should have talked with you but I was blinded by what I saw. It was Jacob all over again…” Only much worse. What I feel for you is nothing compared to what I feel for Jacob.

“I’ve told you that I’m not Jacob,” Edward said, the hurt in his voice evident.

“Angela really laid into me after you left. She told me that the blonde was your sister and that I was overreacting and not being fair. I should have listened to you. And she’s right,” I murmured. “Look, I know that you probably hate me but I wanted to apologize for being so horrible to you.” Give him the keys and 

leave. Move on with your life and become the crazy cat lady.

Before I could respond, Edward spoke. “Bella, I don’t hate you. Did you read the journal?”

“No. I saw the journal and started sobbing because it was the journal you gave me. I just knew that I fucked up and I couldn’t pick it up,” I sniffled. “I fucked up, Edward. I’m a horrible, wretched person and…”

He got up from the piano bench. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me to his muscular chest. Don’t hold me. I don’t deserve it. I’m not worthy. I tried to wriggle away but he kept his arms around me. 

“You’re not horrible or wretched. Bella, I understand why you reacted the way you did but it hurt me when you wouldn’t even listen to what I had to say. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that you are still hesitant to trust but have I done anything prior to today that indicated that I’m not trustworthy?”

“No. You’ve been amazing. An amazing friend, a wonderful and caring boyfriend…God! You’re going to break up with me. Is that what you put in the journal?  A Dear John letter?” I wailed. “I’m such a fool!”

“Bella, I would not do that to you. I would not break up with via journal entry. That’s horrible,” Edward said sternly. He guided me to a couch in his piano room. I sat down stiffly next to him, avoiding looking into his eyes. I couldn’t bear seeing him mad at me. “I explained who I was holding. It was my sister, Rose. We were supposed to go out for lunch but since I had the night from hell up on the surgical floor, I crashed on my couch. Rose woke me up and I freaked out which caused her to freak out. You came in just as I was hugging her because she started having a slight panic attack. This was the first time she was out without anyone with her since her attack.”

“So, the blonde was your sister?” I asked, skeptically, quirking my brow. Even though he’d been honest with me before, I did still not fully believe him. I should give him the benefit of the doubt, but my past has not been all that stellar with trusting people.

“Yes,” he breathed. “Bella, do you want to know what else I wrote in your journal?”

“Is it good or bad?” I asked, nibbling on my lip. His eyes darkened slightly as he stared at my mouth.

“Good, sweet girl,” he said as he took my face in his hands. “In your journal I said what I wanted to give you. I want to give you my heart, my soul and my love, Bella. I’m so in love with you that it hurts.”

“What?”

“Bella, I love you,” Edward whispered reverently. “I’m upset at how you acted but it doesn’t change that I love you so much. But, you’ve got to trust me, baby. I will never, EVER intentionally hurt you. I love you too much to do that.”

“You love me? Why?” I asked, the tears starting to fill in my eyes again. Jesus, enough with the fucking crying!

“You’re impossible not to love, Bella. You’re so smart, giving, compassionate, and beautiful. However, you are stubborn as a mule and you’ve got a temper. Damn. Remind me to never get on your bad side. Now, I don’t expect you to say it back. I had to tell you. I had to get you to understand how much I care for you. That I’m in this for the long haul. But, please don’t push me away, beautiful.”

“You’re right that I’m not ready to say it back to you, Edward,” I murmured. I’m terrified that when I do, you’re going to throw it back at me and laugh in my face. Or screw me over, like Jacob did.

FUCK! He’s not fucking JACOB!!!!

“I need to get to the point where I do trust you implicitly. Obviously based off my reaction of what happened today, I still have residual trust issues and I’ll be bringing that up with Michele. However, I can say that I strongly like you a lot, Edward.”

“I can handle that,” he smirked. “Now, we survived our first fight and do you know that means?”

“What?”

“Make up cuddling,” he smiled, cupping my face with his warm hands.

“Isn’t it usually make up sex?”

“Are you ready to have sex with me?” Edward asked, arching a brow over his sexy glasses.

“No, not yet. And I’m kind of out of commission due to…” I blushed. “I’ll shut up now.” Fucking period. 

Fucking stomach flu that forced me to get my fucking period. God damn it!

“Bella, I’m a doctor. A little blood won’t faze me,” he chuckled.  Wait a minute…hold up a second. 

What? “But, I want our first time to be magical. I want to give you the night that you should have had when you lost your virginity. And it sure as hell won’t be make up sex. I want to make love to you. All. Night. Long.”

Yep. My ovaries exploded.

Wait, that’s cramps. Shit.

“So, for now, you’ll have deal with some make up cuddles and perhaps some make up making out,” he snorted. “And we’re going to do it in my bedroom because fuck, I’m exhausted.” Edward stood up and dragged me up with him. With a maniacal laugh, he heaved me over his shoulder. I squealed as I wigged on his shoulder. He gently put me down on the center of his king-sized slice of heaven. Also known as his bed.  

“Bella?”

“Yes,” I said breathily.

“I do love you and don’t ever doubt that,” Edward said solemnly. “That will never ever change.” I searched his eyes for any impropriety and dishonesty but saw none. I cupped his neck and pulled him down to reach my lips to his. We made out for who knows how long but it was amazing. It was, by far, the hottest make out session in my meager history of make out sessions.

When Edward’s eyes began to stay closed longer, I got up and went to the bathroom to change. I washed my face and brushed my teeth after I put on my pajamas. Finishing up in the bathroom, I walked back to the bedroom to find Edward underneath the blankets. He was shirtless and I had pinch myself at seeing his naked torso. I always had to do that. And that tattoo…damn. But, Edward was more than a pretty face and hot body. They were cherries on the sundae that was Dr. Edward Cullen. He was patient, kind, gentle, smart, funny and loving.

Holy fuck! He loves me!

I crawled into the bed and nestled next to him. Edward’s arm was getting heavier on my waist. I turned to look at him. He looked so peaceful and content. How could I not love him? He’s everything I’d ever dreamed of. He’s my knight in a white lab coat. “I love you, too, Edward,” I whispered as I ran my fingers through his bronze hair. He smiled crookedly and held me closer to his body. His nose buried against my neck, kissing just behind my ear before he totally crashed.

xx APFL xx

The next week or so, Edward and I spent it talking. When we weren’t at work, we were constantly talking about what happened with his sister and how to get me to trust him. We were at an impasse, really. Even though I said that I trusted Edward, I still had this nagging feeling in the back of my head that Edward was going to hurt me. Even though he had poured his heart into his journal entry, I was so hesitant to trust him. To trust anyone for that matter. I didn’t know how to get over it.

So, I brought it up with Michele, my therapist. I hadn’t seen her since ‘Sister-gate’ and I needed her guidance. I needed her professional opinion on how to learn to trust.

I was seated on the couch in her office, toying with my scrubs. “Michele, I don’t know how to trust people,” I muttered when she sat down.

“Do you trust me?” she asked.

“Not really. I mean, I respect you as a professional, but I don’t really trust you.”

“Why?” she pressed.

“In the back of my head, I’m thinking that you’re secretly laughing at how pitiful I am. And that you’re talking to your colleagues about this loser who can’t find her self esteem,” I said bitterly.

“Bella, I’m bound by my ethical code to not discuss your case with anyone. What happens behind that door is between you and me,” she said. “In regards to your self esteem comment, you’ve been kicked down for so long that it’s going to take time for you to recognize your self-worth. I’m here as your therapist but I’m also your friend, cheerleader and confidante. I would never, EVER abuse your trust or share what is discussed here in the strictest of confidence. Now, what happened that you mentioned the trust issue?”

I bit my lip before I told her what happened between Edward and me. She listened quietly and jotted down a few notes on her notepad. Once I was done, I sat back and scowled at my hands. I was a fool with the whole situation with Edward and his sister.

“Okay, first off, you weren’t wrong in having a reaction to seeing Edward hugging another girl. With your history, I understand why you were upset,” Michele began. “Did you overreact? Yes. You should have listened to him in the first place and all of the aggravation would have been avoided. Why didn’t you listen to him? Why did you run?”

“I didn’t want to be hurt anymore,” I answered. “I felt so betrayed by him that if I just left, it would be easier. You know?”

“Where did you go?”

“The cemetery where my mom was buried,” I answered. “I talked to her since she was the only person that loved me unconditionally. I hadn’t felt that type of love since she died and I so desperately wanted it. Even if it was to talk her in the ground.”

“Did you talk about Edward to your mom?” I nodded. “Do you think she’d like him?”

“She would love him. He’s everything that she would have wanted for me,” I gushed. “But, I’m still so afraid. He’s an amazing man, incredible doctor and so patient with me. But, I’m fearful that he’ll grow tired of my bullshit and dump my fat ass to trade up to a newer, skinnier model.”

“First off, Bella, you are a beautiful woman. And I mean that in a strictly platonic, professional way. You are heavier but you are at least healthy,” she explained. “Secondly, from what I’ve heard about Dr. Cullen, he is one of the few good guys out there. He would not hurt you intentionally and he proved that in trying to fix the confusion between you and his sister. Finally, to try and trample this trust issue, you need to begin trusting in yourself. Believe in your decisions. That trust will eventually carry over to the rest of your life.”

“Why can’t I get rid of this nagging feeling in the back of my head that Edward’s going to screw me over?” I whimpered.

“Because, right now, that’s what you expect. But, you have to change your way of thinking, Bella. If you believe that Edward is going to screw you over, then he will. It’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now, after your misunderstanding, Edward said he loved you, right? How did that make you feel, Bella?”

“I didn’t believe it at first,” I whispered. “After hearing that I was worthless for so long, I couldn’t fathom anyone loving me.”

“Has he said it since? And did you say it back?”

“I think Edward is aware of my trepidation about saying to him. I mean, I did say that I loved him but I think he was asleep,” I muttered. “I’m such a coward. And yes, he has said it since the initial ‘I love you.’ But, I think he gets upset when I don’t respond in kind. I do love him but…but…the last time I said it was to my ex-boyfriend. Prior to that it was my mom.”

“Your father never said he loved you?”

I shook my head and tears started falling. “I was never good enough for him. I still feel like a failure in my dad’s eyes. I mean, fuck! He kicked me out of the house on Christmas!”

“Bella, your dad is an asshole,” Michele said flatly. “Okay, there are two factors that are causing you to have trust issues. The first factor is your dad. His lack of affection and love toward you is causing you to second guess your every move. Do you want your dad to accept you?”

“I could care less,” I said dryly. “He’s an asshole. Like you said.”

“But, he obviously cut you down and caused these lingering trust problems,” Michele said firmly. “The second factor is what Jacob did to you. He’s another one that I’d like to smack upside the head. What a fucktard!”

“Michele!” I laughed.

She winked and smiled at me. “Here’s your homework, Bella. I want you to write a letter to your dad and to Jacob.”

“I’m not going to send them, am I?”I squeaked

“No. This is your opportunity to air out your frustrations, fears and bad blood. Tell them how you feel,” Michele said. “Rip them a new asshole. Tell them to fuck off. Tell them to go kill themselves. What you put down in your letter is your way of giving them the proverbial finger.”

“Okay,” I sighed.

“In regards to your feelings toward Edward, you have be able to let him in. It’s obvious that he loves you. Very much,”  Michele said, arching a brow. “Talk to him. Explain your fears and trust issues.”

“I’ve tried that, but Edward insistent that I’m amazing but I don’t believe him,” I scowled.

“Go into the discussion with an open mind,” Michele said. “I think you’re going into it with this notion that Edward will eventually hate you. That his love is just a means to an end.”

“What if it is? What if he uses me like Jacob did?”

“In my opinion, I don’t think Edward would do that,” she said calmly. “But, if he did, you have every right to be pissed off at him. My suggestion is that you write your letters before you speak with Edward. Get some of that aggression out of your system as you literally bitch smack your dad and Jacob.” I nodded and stood up. Michele took me in her arms and hugged me. “And Bella, for what it’s worth, Edward is a very lucky man. When you do realize how wonderful you are, nothing can stop you, sweetie!”

“Thank you, Michele,” I sniffled. “I’m going to go home, soak in the tub and perhaps tackle one of my letters.”

“Wait until tomorrow, Bella. This was a tough session,” she said. “Soak in the tub and perhaps have some phone sex with your hot doc.”

“Michele!”

She smiled sweetly and guided me out of the office. Wiggling her fingers in a goodbye, I turned and left. Before I left the hospital, I wanted to say goodbye to Edward. He was working the overnight shift. I checked on him and saw that he was in the trauma room, working on a patient from a car crash. He caught my eye and nodded. I smiled, waving at him before I headed out into the ambulance bay.

“Bella! Wait up!” Alice called as she ran toward me. “You busy tonight?”

“No. I was going to head home and relax. I had a long shift and an appointment with my therapist afterward.”

“My sister got a babysitter and wants to go out. We can go to a bar and have some girl time. Get lit on margaritas,” Alice snickered. “Is Ang on?”

“No, she’s off until tomorrow night. Me too.”

“We are so going out,” Alice squealed. “My sister and I will meet you at your apartment in an hour and half. Wear that sparkly gray top with a pair of dark wash jeans.”

“I don’t have a sparkly gray top,” I said, arching a brow.

“Yes, you do,” Alice smirked. “See you in a bit!” She skipped off toward the parking garage as I scratched my head about the mention of the sparkly gray top. Walking up the steps to the el platform, I sent Edward a text.

Going out with Angela, Alice and Cynthia. Say a prayer. I’ve never had a girl’s night out – B

Take a picture of your sexy self – E

Sexy? *scoffs* Sure, Cullen – B

Isabella! You are the sexiest woman I know and you don’t even have to try. I’m so calling Angela to 

send me a pic – E

Have fun, though, baby. Call me when you get home, okay? – E

I will. I hope the ER is slow for you – B

And I wish you were coming with us – B

That would kind of negate the idea of a girl’s night out, Bella. It’ll be fun. Love you! – E

Love you, too – B

Okay, I’m jumping around my office like a flipping moron. My girl loves me! – E

You’re acting like a fifteen year old girl, Edward. But, your quirky sense of humor is one of the MANY things I love about you. I’ll see you tomorrow – B

I rolled my eyes and got onto the train, heading to my apartment. There, I rode the elevator up to my floor and was greeted by creeper James. He was blocking the entire exit of the elevator, leering at me. “Hello, Isabella.”

“James,” I said coolly. I slipped past him and nearly sprinted to my door. He seriously squicks me out. Plus, he’s still infatuated with Alice despite the fact that she’s dating Edward’s brother, Jasper. Inside of the apartment, I poked my head in Angela’s bedroom. “Hey, Ang. Alice and Cynthia want a girl’s night out. So, we’re going. They’ll be here in an hour.”

“Sweet! I have this new cute blue ruffly tank top that I want to wear,” she squealed.

“Um, Ang. Has James had been acting weird toward you?”

“Yeah. He’s been looking at me like he knows what I look like under my scrubs. Only my Benny gets to see my naked goodness. Not James. He’s turned into a total creeper,” Angela shuddered. “I think all of the pot is going to his brain and shrinking it.”

“Among other things too,” I snorted. “I may want to get an extra lock for our door. Just in case, you know?”

“Definitely. We can go shopping tomorrow. Is grocery day, remember? This week is your week to cook din din and I LOVE when you cook,” Angela smirked.

“That’s because I can, Ang. I love you, girl, but you can burn water,” I laughed as I left her room to get ready. I took a quick shower to wash the grime of the hospital off my body and out of my hair. I had a pukey kid today and I think he got me. I had that vomit smell in my nose for the rest of my shift. I left my hair down and added some gel to it, making it curly and fun. Angela knocked on my bathroom door, poking her head inside. “Yes, Ang?”

“You got any tampons?” she asked. “Pads? Aunt Flo decided to make an early appearance.”

“I thought you were on the pill?” I asked as I reached under my sink to grab a box of tampons.

“I’m switching to the shot,” she said. “My appointment is next week to get my first one. Yay!” She rolled her eyes and left the bathroom. I chuckled as I took my own birth control pill. Not like I was getting any sex, but it regulated my periods. After I applied my makeup, I went out into the living room and sat down to watch some television. Angela walked into the living room, scowling and holding her lower abdomen. “Cramps suck donkey balls.”

“Take some ibuprofen,” I said.

“I did. I’m waiting for them to kick in,” she said as she flopped down. “Did Alice say where she wanted to go?”

“No. She just mentioned margaritas,” I shrugged.

“There’s this awesome place nearby that would be awesome! Patron’s Hacienda,” she squealed. “It’s a restaurant, sports bar and club rolled into one. It’s so much fun!!”

“A club?” I squeaked.

“Only on Thursday, Friday and Saturday,” Angela explained. “There will be music but no clubbing tonight.” The buzzer from our lobby rang in the apartment. Angela hopped up and spoke briefly to Alice downstairs. Angela swiped her leather coat and told me to do the same. Grabbing our keys and purses, we headed down to the lobby to meet up with Alice and her sister, Cynthia.

We bundled up and decided to walk to the bar, giggling and laughing the whole time. For the first time in my thirty years, I felt legitimately so happy! I had girlfriends, a boyfriend who loved me and freedom.

Once we got to the bar, we were led to a booth and ordered some chips and salsa and a round of frozen margaritas. Our drinks were delivered and that’s when the girls pounced. “So, how are things with Dr. Cullen?” Alice chimed.

“Good,” I replied, slurping down some of my drink. Hmmmm, tequila. “After the drama with his sister, things are good.”

“You have to give us more than that,” Cynthia snickered. “That man is sex on a stick. Is he good in bed?”

“Um, I don’t know,” I blushed. “We haven’t had sex yet.”

“Why the hell not?” Cynthia asked.

“Cyn, relax,” Alice chided. “Edward and Bella are taking it slow, right?”

“You’re not a virgin are you?” Cynthia asked, shocked at the prospect.

“CYNTHIA!” Alice and Angela yelled. Cynthia cowered back and bit her lip.

“Guys, it’s okay,” I mumbled. “Cynthia, no, I’m not a virgin. However, my one experience with sex was sorely lacking and I may as well be one. I don’t really know how to please a man. I also really don’t know what pleases me either.”

“Who is the ass that took your v-card and didn’t get you off?” Cynthia snorted. “Asshole.”

“He was my first boyfriend,” I answered. I told them all about Jacob and our six week long relationship, culminating in the disastrous night at the hotel where I lost my virginity. I also told them about how he ignored me and the next time I saw him, socially, he was with a skinny blonde.

“I seriously want to cause some serious bodily harm to this Jacob douche,” Alice spat. “I’ll bean him with my stilettos. What an ass!”

“And Edward has been your only other relationship?” Cynthia asked. I nodded. “Now, let’s attack this logically. You don’t know how to please a man. Nor do you know how to please yourself. You have to know what you like, Bella.”

“I like kissing him,” I blushed. “Edward has such soft lips.”

“What about kissing other places?” Angela suggested, waggling her brows. I blushed a deeper crimson. 

“What? I’m talking about the neck or ear. Jesus, Bella, get your mind out of the gutter.”

“I was thinking more like her boobs and her pussy,” Cynthia snorted. And my face was the color of a tomato. “Bella, we’re all friends here. This is what we do at the bar. We talk about our men, trade secrets and get drunk and stupid. For me, since my husband is across the planet, I live vicariously through you guys. And right now, you’re my pet, Bella.”

“Do I get a leash and a flea collar?” I deadpanned.

“No, I’m getting you a vibrator and some porn,” she said, winking at me.

“Cynthia, that’s really not necessary,” I blanched.

“Yeah, porn is definitely unnecessary,” Alice said flatly. “Those girls are so fake. I mean the tits on them are nasty and foul. They don’t move. And honestly, who is bare like that? I know I’m not. Jasper loves a natural woman.”

“So he likes to get his teeth flossed while he’s licking your pussy,” Cynthia snickered.

“I said I’m natural. Not hairy,” Alice explained. “I keep my girlie bits trimmed and neat.”

“You wax, you bitch,” Cynthia laughed. “Only reason why I know is because I use the same aesthetician. She always asks if I want the same treatment as you. You’re bare, you liar.”

“Bite me, Cyn,” Alice snapped. “And I was bare. Jasper likes a woman that looks like a woman. So, I’m letting my poon grow out. Itches like a son of a bitch, but it’s growing.”

I whimpered and shifted in my seat. Waxing the girlie bits? Fuck me. I’m not a bushman down there, but I shave. Sometimes. Once a month…okay, six months. Cynthia whipped her head back at me. “Based off your reaction, it looks like you’re getting your pussy waxed.”

“Oh GOD,” I wailed as I buried my head in my arms.

“It only hurts for a few seconds, Bella,” Angela consoled as she rubbed my back. “But let’s move on to something else.”

“Please! Let’s!” I groaned.

“Blow jobs!” Angela smirked.

“Ugh, kill me now,” I whimpered. “So not ready for that.”

“This is true,” Cynthia offered. “Bella needs to be comfortable what makes her feel good before she can make her man feel good. Now, I know that you’re a nurse and that you understand the mechanics of sex. You need to have some time to experiment. Touch yourself and feel what makes you quiver with pleasure. This is why we need to get you a vibrator. Are there any sex shops around here?”

“The Pleasure Chest,” Angela replied. “It’s a short cab ride from here.”

“We’re so going,” Cynthia smiled. “After we finish our margaritas and have some fajitas!”

“Fuck fajitas! I want a chimichanga!” Alice said. “Deep fried goodness. Nummy!”

“I’ll probably just have a salad,” I shrugged.

“Hell no, Bella. You need to eat some of this fattening Mexican food,” Angela said as she elbowed me. “I’m having enchiladas.”

“Taco salad?” I squeaked.

“Better,” Angela said, winking at me. The waitress came and took our orders, refilling our margaritas before she left. “Now, Bella, as much as you probably want to crawl under the table, we’re all fairly experienced women and we want to help you achieve your goal.”

“Orgasming,” Alice smirked.

“Getting off,” Cynthia giggled. “And getting your man off.”

“As much as I want to, I want to make sure that the emotions are there, too,” I said. “I’m working through so many things right now. I mean, I never really had friends. I was teased and picked on. My best friend was my journal after my mom died. I still teased and ridiculed.”

“Newton was suspended for a week for talking shit about Bella to Edward, who’s the associate head of the ER,” Angela explained. “He has to take this ethics class about appropriate professional behavior.”

“Lauren had to take it, too,” Alice chirped. “Rumors are milling that we may all have to be subjected to the class, which is not a bad thing. There are still unprofessional people that work in the ER.”

“Jessica,” I muttered.

“Dr. Crowley,” Angela suggested. “And don’t get me wrong, Lauren has been great the past few weeks, but I don’t think it’s permanent. She’s floating back to Jessica and she’s reeling Lauren back into her tangled web of bullshit.”

“Great,” I grumbled. “I’ll just avoid them. Slut sisters.”

“Yes, they are,” Alice cringed. “Anyhow, back to Bella. You’ve got five people who will fight for you at work; one of them is the associate head of the ER. You’ve moved out of your dad’s apartment and you’re happy living with Angela, right?”

“Ang is the best roommate,” I smiled as I hugged.

“Damn right, I am! Bella is better though. She can cook!” Angela bellowed. “My best recipe is calling Bun Foo Kitchen for takeout.”

“Nah, it’s Giordano’s,” I joked. “Bun Foo’s fried rice is too greasy.”

“Okay, Giordano’s. Shit, now I want stuffed pizza,” Angela pouted.

“We’ll order some tomorrow,” I soothed.

“No, you’re cooking tomorrow before we go to work. Please?” Angela begged, fluttering her eyelashes. I rolled my eyes and shoved her away. “Chili sounds AWFULLY good.”

“Fine. But I hope I’m not working with you tomorrow night. You get the worst gas with the beans,” I laughed. Angela scoffed and slugged down her drink.

“I love you, Bella, but you suck,” Angela laughed.

The rest of the time at the bar was spent in discussions on giving the perfect blow job. There was a great deal of debate over what was easier: spitting or swallowing. Cynthia preferred to spit, not wanting to taste her husband’s flavor for too long. Angela voted for swallowing. Alice was on the fence, understanding both arguments. I was blissfully ignorant. I’d never given a blow job.

Cynthia demanded to know what I preferred once I did go down on Edward.

Excuse me, what?

I wrinkled my nose at that. Guys like that? I mean, sex, I get. But the mouth?

I’d need some more prodding to do that. Or more tequila.

We settled up our bill and decided to take a ride over to The Pleasure Chest. My heart was stammering as we rode in the cab to the store off of North Lincoln Avenue. I was in full-on panic mode by the time we pulled up to the store. What have I gotten myself into? The girls and I walked into the store and we were blinded by the bright red walls. But, it wasn’t what I expected. I, honestly, anticipated the store to be a hole in the wall dive with viewing rooms for porn and a crusty old guy behind the register, with jizz spattered on 

the laminate.

A perky red head bounced up to us and smiled. “Welcome to The Pleasure Chest! Is there anything specific that you’re looking for or are you just browsing?”

Cynthia walked over to me, slinging her arm over my shoulders. I arched a brow at Alice’s sister in her bright green jeans and black jacket. “This one needs a vibrator. Nothing too scary since she’s relatively innocent.”

“Hmmm, what type of vibrator? Clitoral, vaginal, anal?” she asked.

“Anal!” I squeaked. “My ass? Fuck no. NO way! Are you crazy?!”

“Relax, Bella,” Angela said soothingly, trying not to laugh. “Not anal.”

“I kind of gathered that,” she said dryly. “I’m Sophie, by the way. You guys are?”

“I’m Cynthia. This is my sister, Alice, her friend, Angela and Miss Innocent is Bella,” Cynthia said with a wry smile.

“Nice to meet you all. Now, your best bet for a vibrator is to…”

Alice, Angela and Cynthia followed Sophie while I was rooted in my spot. I slipped out my cell phone and texted Edward.

I’m freaking out, Edward – B

No freaking out, sweet girl. Why? – E

I’m at the Pleasure Chest – B

Damn it! Bella, I just spit coffee all over Ben. You can’t say shit like that. Why are you at a sex shop? – E

Apparently, I need a vibrator – B

Why do you need a vibrator when you have me? – E

EDWARD ANTHONY! You are a perv! – B

I’m kidding, beautiful. I know you’re not ready for that. But, seriously, why are you there? – E

I’ve never had an orgasm and before I can please you, I need to please me? – B

Bella, just holding you pleases me – E

Edward, I know how many showers you take. You are not that dirty – B

“Bella! Stop texting your boyfriend and check out the Sqweel!” Angela smiled. “Don’t make me take away your phone.”

Bella, yes, I take a lot of showers. Spooge is thick and an epic pain in the ass to clean off of clothes and sheets. Showering and masturbating go hand in hand for a guy. I will continue taking a lot of showers until you feel comfortable to be with me. To let me make love to you. Show you HOW much I love you, Bella. For now, my water bill is going through the roof. I love you and have fun picking out your vibrator – E

Can I play with it when you’re comfortable? I’ll make you scream – E

Are you horny, Edward? – B

Always for you, baby. I love you. Don’t have too much fun – E

I love you, too – B

Alice came up to me and swiped my phone. Angela looped her arm through mine and dragged me to see the wonders of the Sqweel. I was so not buying that. Mini silicone tongues? I shook my head. Cynthia must have noticed my trepidation with that and she thrust a Rabbit into my hands. Sophie gave her thumbs up and smiled. I turned it over and read about it. Alice handed me a clitoral vibrator, too, after she saw me leave the Sqweel demonstration. Angela swiped a few books, Sex for Dummies, Sex is Fun, The Ultimate Guide 

to the Female Orgasm, and compilation of women’s erotica.

Cynthia took all of the goodies in my hands and walked to the register. Sophie skipped and rang everything up. I cringed at the total as I reached for my wallet. Cynthia swatted my hand away and handed over her credit card. “Thank me when you have your first orgasm and make one of my kids a ring bearer or flower girl for your wedding,” she winked.

“Thank you, Cynthia,” I said as I took the proffered bag from her. She pulled me into a tight hug, rubbing my back.

“Now, as much fun as this has been, I have two kids I need to get home to,” Cynthia said. “Next month, we’re going out closer to where I live.”

“Where’s that?” Angela asked.

“Oak Park,” she answered. “There are some fun bars there. No Pleasure Chest, though. A Lover’s Lane, but no Pleasure Chest. Come on, squirt. You’re coming with me to the el station.”

“Fine,” Alice grumbled. “But you’re paying for my cab fare to Jasper’s apartment.”

“Whatever, Alice,” Cynthia bellowed as they left. They walked toward the el platform while Angela hailed a cab. It was a short ride to the apartment and thankfully, quiet. Angela was a little looped from her five margaritas. I had two and was slightly buzzed. We rode up the elevator and stumbled down the hallway. Angela’s giggles must have alerted James of our presence and he stuck his head out of his apartment. The pungent odor of pot and cigarettes filled the hallway.

“Ah, my two favorite girls,” he sneered evilly. “Having a good time? Did you go out with your little friend, Alice?”

“Yep,” Angela said, smiling at him sweetly. “Now, we’re going home to have phone sex with our boyfriends.”

“Why have phone sex when you could have the real thing?” he asked as he cupped his junk. “A threesome would be so much fun.”

“Ew, no. You’re gross,” Angela said, wrinkling her nose. “You used to be somewhat normal and now, you’re not. Come on, Bella.” She grabbed my arm and practically shoved me into the apartment, slamming the door a little too hard. “Jesus, James has definitely flipped out. I mean, really! I want to go and stay at Ben’s house tonight after that little display.”

“I’d rather stay at Edward’s, thank you very much,” I whimpered.

“Bella, we have to keep track of his craziness. If he keeps this up, he can get booted out of the apartment complex. I’m going to write down what he did tonight. And we are so changing our locks and adding a deadbolt to the door.”

“We’ll pick it up tomorrow at the store.”

xx APFL xx

A week passed and no further indication of James and his ickyness. Edward and Ben installed the deadbolt on our door. Though, I think anything short of moving out would not have appeased them. Edward was super concerned about James erratic behavior and his infatuation with anyone who was female. While James seemed to be ‘flirting’ with Angela and I, he was mostly infatuated with Alice.

Now, I was sitting in my bedroom. Angela and Edward were both working. I was using the quiet and the alone time to do accomplish a few things.  I had two things on my bed. One was the clitoral vibrator that Cynthia had bought me. The other was my journal. I had yet to write my hate letters to Jacob and Charlie. I also hadn’t played with my new toys. I did read some of the books, but nothing in too much detail.

With a deep breath, I picked up my journal. I’d write a letter to one of the douches in my life and then perhaps, have some fun.

February 4^th , 2013

Dear Jacob,

Scratch that…he’s not dear…

Jacob,

Okay, I’ve been putting this off now for a couple of weeks. But it’s time for me to move past what you did to me. Though, I don’t understand why. I think that’s the biggest issue. Anyhow, you are a hateful, manipulative, deceitful and cruel man who hurt me more than I ever thought possible. Ten years later and I’m still upset.

You made me feel so special prior to that night. You seemed interested. At least, I thought you were interested. But, after you fucked me over, literally and figuratively, I felt so lost. In a way, I still do. What should have been the most precious gift to give a man, was taken by you. Not in a sense of rape. I wanted you. I wanted to have you make love to me. But, you pushed in and that was it. Nothing was about me. It was all about you.

Was I just a conquest?

Someone for you to fuck as a dare?

I have feelings, Jacob. I’m not just a ‘conquest.’ I’m a living, breathing, hurting human being. I thought you loved me, Jacob. I loved you. Or at least, I thought so. But now, I know that I didn’t. I was infatuated with the idea of you. Of the idea of a boyfriend.

I finally have someone who loves me and who wants to be with me. He’s ten times, no a thousand times the man you are. And you know what? He said he loved me first. Right here. In this journal. It was the single most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. Granted, I was an idiot before he told me but that was due in part because of you. I don’t trust people because of how I was treated. In a way, I still don’t trust Edward. I should, but there’s something holding me back and that is getting over what you did to me.

Now, I’ll never know your motivations for fucking me but I am moving past what you did. I’m doing it with the help of my friends and my boyfriend. Well, now, I guess, they’re my new family. But, it’s a family that I chose and that chose me. That’s more important than any moronic and stupid thing you ever will do.

So, I leave you with two parting words, Jacob Eugene Black.

Fuck. You.

I wiped my tears and put my journal into my bag. I quickly changed into a pair of jeans and blue top. Despite my idea of having some fun ‘alone’ time, I needed to tell something to Edward. And I couldn’t do it over the phone or via text. I had to show him. After locking up the apartment, I headed downstairs and nearly sprinted to the el station. I caught the next train going toward the hospital. I was vibrating with anxiety and nerves. I barely made it down the steps without falling because I was so anxious. I entered the ER and slipped past the triage nurse. She waved at me as I headed toward the circulation desk. Ben was there.

“Hey, Ben. Have you seen Edward?” I asked.

“He’s in his office,” Ben replied. Then, he smirked, wiggling his brows.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, perv,” I snorted as I walked past him to Edward’s office. His door was open and I could hear him on the phone.

“…I promise, Rosie. You’ll meet her. You’re coming to the ball, right? Then you can meet her then. I know you’ll love her as much as I do,” he said. “Good luck at group tonight. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

I knocked on his door and stepped inside. “Hi,” I blushed.

“Bella!” he said, giving me his crooked grin. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you off for a few days?”

“I am, but I needed to do something,” I said as I closed the door. I flipped the lock and looked at him. “Um, can you sit on your couch?”

“Oooookay,” he chuckled as he got up from his desk and walked toward his leather sofa. He sat down and looked at me like I was crazy. Perhaps I was, but I wanted to do this. I slipped off my coat and put my bag next to the sofa. I then straddled his legs. His expression turned from thinking I was a crazy lady to shock to lust. “Why couldn’t you do this on my desk chair?”

“Knowing my luck, I’d try it and we’d both end up on the floor, needing stitches,” I quipped. “Flat, unmovable surface. Less likely for either one of us to get hurt.”

“Smart girl,” he smiled. He leaned up, wanting to kiss me.

“No. Not yet. I have to tell you something before we make out like horny teenagers,” I said. His brow furrowed and he looked upset. “Nothing bad! I promise you.” I closed my eyes and moved my hands up his muscular arms to his face. I ran my finger along his stubbled jaw and opened my eyes. “I love you, Edward.”

“I know this, Bella,” he whispered, kissing my palm of my hand.

“No. Don’t get mad, but before, I was just saying the words. Now…now, I know. Edward, you are the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. You are so smart and funny and kind and generous and loving and I was a fool for acting the way that I did with your sister. I was a fool in saying that I loved you when I wasn’t ready. But, I do. I am. I love you, Edward. You’ve made me feel special and wanted. For the first time since my mom died, I feel loved,” I cried, tears falling down my cheeks. “I was so afraid of saying back to you; it would all fall away and I’d be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I want you. All of you.” With that, I kissed his lips, crushing my mouth against his. Edward was shocked at first but soon his arms were wrapped around my waist and his mouth was moving ardently with mine.

I don’t know how long we kissed, but when we pulled apart, we were both breathing heavily. Edward took my face in his hands, holding me like I was fragile glass. “Bella, you’re all I want. All I’ll ever want,” he whispered, rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs. “I will spend every moment of my life ensuring that you will feel loved. And I knew that you weren’t ready but I also knew that when you were, it would be magical. And it is. Bella, I’m so happy right now that I could burst with excitement.” He brushed his lips against mine causing me to shudder with pleasure. “Are you cold?”

“No. I got chills because I could feel it,” I smiled.

“The butterflies. The energy around us?” he asked. I nodded. “I felt it from the first day I saw you, Bella. It will never go away. That feeling will only get stronger.” However, our little love bubble was burst when his cell phone began vibrating. “Fuck! Don’t they know that I’ve got the woman of my dreams on my lap?” He growled and picked up his phone. “Cullen…I’ll be right there. Get Newton, too.” He hung up the phone and held me close. “I’ve got to go, baby.”

“When are you off?”

“Midnight,” he answered. “Go over to my place and that way, I can cuddle with you. Please?”

“I don’t have any clothes there,” I frowned.

“Who said you need clothes?” he smirked. I blushed. “I’m kidding. But, I hope that soon, we’ll be able to move our relationship to the next level. I’m willing to wait. I don’t want to force you…”

“Soon, Edward. Let me get comfortable with my own skin and then we’ll cross that bridge. But, when you get home, you can have some fun with this,” I put his hand on my ass, “and this,” his other was on my boob. He groaned. With a squeeze to both, he helped me up and turned to leave his office. “Edward?”

“Yes, love?” he asked.

“I love you,” I smiled.

“Fuck, I love you so much, Bella. So much and I will always tell you,” he said reverently. His face perked up into a crooked grin. He looked like he wanted to kiss me again but his cell phone rang. “I’m coming!” With sigh, he left and I fell onto his couch.

So this is what love should feel like! Yes and please!

A/N: And so there you have it. Now, I know that Bella has run the gambit of emotions in this chapter, but you have to realize, she’s having a rough time understanding what she’s feeling. She’s also having difficulties in trusting people. (Then again, would you blame her?) Anyhow, she’s making headway. First in kind of letting Edward in when she said she loved him the first time and then definitely opening her heart at the end. Giving Jacob the proverbial bitch slap in her journal definitely helped her a lot.